Face to Face with Jesus

There I was, sitting at the feet of the Holy Family.

Seemingly by accident.

It was a late October afternoon. I was trying to read some letters I’d received, which was becoming increasingly difficult in the darkening church. I lamented my situation when suddenly, a light switched on above this beautiful carved statue on the far side of the sanctuary. 

Like a moth to a flame, I decided to relocate.

The gaze between Mary and baby Jesus captivated me. He was looking at her with such love, like she was the coolest thing ever. One of Mary’s hands lovingly supported his head, and the other intertwined with his chubby fingers. As Joseph stood over them, the boy reached up and touched his mother’s face. Having three children myself, this intimate portrayal of love between parent and child hit me hard. 

While contemplating the love Jesus has for Mary, I wondered: Is it really true that He has the same kind of love for me? Does He really look at me as if I’m the coolest thing ever? Is it possible to feel a gaze like that from God?

These were questions I pondered as I sat there on my first Cursillo weekend. Almost exactly thirty years earlier, I attended a TEC (Teens Encounter Christ) retreat, which was created in 1965 in Michigan by Cursillistas who wanted to share with their youth the spiritual experience they had as adult believers in the Cursillo movement. 

It’s no exaggeration to say that TEC changed my life. It was where I gave my first talk and fell in love with speaking. It’s where adults I respected told me that I was a leader. And it’s how I met my wife. Most importantly, TEC was the first time I felt God’s love in a real and overwhelming way, and I’ve not been the same since. 

After that first one, I became a retreat junkie, attending and leading at least a dozen as a young adult. Now, decades removed from that chapter of my life, here I was, still pondering the love of God. Only now, it was as a middle-aged man who somehow has more questions than answers. 

I imagined what my 18-year-old self would have thought of my current life, and how much had changed: marriage, kids, the business, our home. I realized that God was the one thing that hadn’t changed. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

And He still loves me more than I deserve.

My Cursillo weekend provided many callbacks to that first retreat. One favorite: the place where I made my first TEC was in a tiny town in Illinois called Peterstown. Now, here on my first Cursillo, the patron saint assigned to our table was…St. Peter.

As an organizer of many events, I was looking forward to not having to “lead” anything this weekend. I was eager to be a simple follower for a change, free from the responsibilities of making sure everyone’s ok and everything’s running on time. So I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at being named table leader on the first day. 

This would prove to be serendipitous.

A highlight was the opportunity for our small groups to spend time in Eucharistic Adoration. On the first night, after evening prayer, the table leaders were asked to stay behind for a briefing on the logistics for the next day. They’d be the ones responsible for transporting the monstrance back and forth between the main chapel and our small group room.

Fast forward to this moment in the sanctuary, meditating on the statue of the Holy Family. I wondered what it would be like to look at Jesus face-to-face. I desired to feel God’s gaze upon me, like I did thirty years before, on that first life-changing retreat. I left church that afternoon with a simple prayer: Please help me feel your love like that again.

Soon after, we were summoned for our small group adoration visits. Deacon Bob gave me some quick instructions, showing me the hinged door on the back of the monstrance, explaining that I had to keep my hand in a certain spot to keep it from opening. 

As I took hold of the monstrance and started our procession, I was overcome with emotion. Never having been that close to a monstrance before, I felt honored and humbled.

Walking down the hallway, holding Jesus at eye level, it hit me. There I was, looking at Him in adoration, and He was looking back, adoring me. The feeling of intimacy was overwhelming. It dawned on me that my hand was supporting the back of the monstrance, just as Mary was supporting Jesus in the statue. 

That’s when tears began to flow. 

Let’s just say my chapel time helped keep the Kleenex company in business.

When we returned Jesus to the main chapel, since there were no groups left to go, we were able to consume the host. Talk about humbling!

The entire experience was a gift from God I’ll never forget. It was a holy reminder that He is in the details that knit together our past and our present…

Being placed at the St. Peter table…Being named table leader, which allowed me to be the monstrance bearer…The detail Deacon Bob gave about supporting the monstrance (who knows if the other deacon gave the same instruction?)…

…One table wasn’t ready for their chapel visit, permitting our table to go first. Had that not been the case, we wouldn’t have been tasked with transporting Jesus to the chapel…

…And the lights coming on by Mary and Joseph felt like them turning on the porch light, inviting me to visit.

Some might chalk these up to coincidence, but I like the idea that coincidence is just God’s way of remaining anonymous. 

Sometimes God demonstrates His love for you by speaking to you in code that only you can decipher. They prove He is real and help you feel seen, because these details, connections, and “coincidences,” are so intimate and so personal, they can only be known by Him.

All of these details contributed to the most powerful moment of my first Cursillo: a confirmation that the Abba whose love I encountered on that first retreat is still madly in love with me thirty years later.

This experience is one of the reasons I’m excited that a Perpetual Eucharistic Adoration Chapel is coming to Sheboygan County. I didn’t even know what Eucharistic Adoration was when I made my first TEC. I’d become an advocate by my first Cursillo, and now I’m even more grateful for every chance I get to sit before the Blessed Sacrament.

If you’ve never been, I encourage you to give it a try. It’s not difficult, but be warned:

When you find yourself face-to-face with Jesus, and He gazes upon you like you’re the coolest thing ever, it just might change your life.